Monday, August 31, 2009

meds acquired

Fluoxetine (anti-depressant, generic version of prozac) acquired.


Hey look, it not only treats depression but obsessive compulsive disorder. Whee!

Have followup appointment with doc in three weeks, to make sure everything's working okay.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

chapter two

Chapter Two has a worksheet to fill out that gauges how depressed you are. I scored a 52 today, which puts me in the "severely depressed" group.

The author proceeds to describe schizophrenia and bipolar disorder and says, get professional help if this describes you. Neither of which pertain to me.

End chapter two. Maybe I'll wander into chapter three today.

Kicking Depression, ROUND TWO!

Round one of kicking depression was when I went to therapy. That helped. They finally said, "You're doing great! You have all the coping skills you need and I don't know what else to teach you." So I left therapy.

I'm not as miserable as I've been at other points in my life, but I know I can do better than I'm doing. So. We have...

Kicking Depression, Round Two! Bibliotherapy!

In one corner, we have Cat, with her newly acquired book "Feeling Good" by David Burns. It's the most recommended self help book EVER. It's been clinically tested to work better than just putting people on anti-depressants. So we're gonna use it to punch out depression's lights. Mwaha.

In the other corner we have the stupid thoughts in Cat's brain that drive her crazy, such as "You and everything you do are worthless/pointless."

Ready, set, GO!

Each day I'm going to do a bit out of the book. Today I read the introduction and chapter 1.

Chapter one states that our moods/emotions are caused by our thoughts. And that using this book to help change our thoughts (cognitive therapy) to more positive things will help us feel better.

Stay tuned for round two! (I'm counting this post for Saturday's post, even though it's 1 a.m. on Sunday morning.)

Friday, August 28, 2009

So maybe at this point I should go seek help of a different kind. I don't know that therapy can offer me anything else except somebody to talk to, which I have plenty of already. So maybe I should try out anti-depressants. Make an appointment with my doctor. Thing. Blarg.

I'm functioning semi-well. I'm eating and sleeping somewhat normally, and I STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP. Like, I want to shoot myself in the foot so I can avoid life while in the hospital kind of feeling like crap. And the new semester's just starting and it's going to be long and stressful and if I feel this way at the beginning, I don't want to know where I'll be by the end if I don't get help now.

I am SO sick of doctors.

*lays head on desk*

Sometimes life just sucks.

Monday, August 24, 2009

I’ve been trying to fit in
while wondering why I’m trying to claw my way out of this life.

Music and solitude and darkness
cut out distractions and let me focus,
help me remember who I am.

I mourn for myself
and all the things I’ve lost
and should have been.
For the pain I carry with me every day.
Recognize that I struggle
and it’s okay to not be perfect.

I’m expecting myself to run marathons
like a whole person
when I’ve been crippled.
I can make do,
and I do really, really well.
But I’m not whole. I have never been whole. It’s not my fault.

No one has said I haven’t done well
except me.
People have said I’ve been marvelous,
except me.
I’m poisoning myself with these thoughts
and crippling myself further.

I have to get the poison out.
I have to stop fighting against what I think people think I should be.
I have to love myself. Forgive myself.
It seems to be the hardest thing in my life I have to do.

I cry enough to hyperventilate
I make myself dizzy
I scream and lash out and bite myself
and it’s just as destructive as sticking a needle in myself or a razor blade.
I have to stop hurting myself.
And it’s an emotional hurt.

I’m in a bad place.
I will fight back.
I always fight back.
I will NOT lay down and die.
I will do what I need to and get better.
I will be gentle with myself,
but I will fight the darkness
inside me.

“I’m alright.
You know.
I will survive.”

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Would it kill the universe to let me have a day where I don't feel miserable and stressed about everything? JUST ONE?

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Well, I started talking to everybody again. Because I ran entirely out of people I WASN'T annoyed with. Resolved some things with some people, as much as they can be resolved. Spent yesterday trying to do nice things for people. Had a good day.

Today people are still fighting. People's secrets are still gnawing on my brain. The list of chores never ends. I keep not eating because I feel I need to get doing chores right away... Today's breakfast is cocoa and grapes. Skipped the parenting class because I don't feel like totally crushing whatever self esteem I have at the moment. Wishing people would stop hurting.

The weather is changing to autumn. I want to spend as much time outside as I can before it gets cold. I'm getting along really well with the moms in the back yard. Kyle's old enough to start preschool, but since we can't afford preschool, I need to do that from home instead.

School starts Monday. David will be doing full time work and full time school. I miss him already. A lot. We need more money than we have. All our resources are wiped out. Savings, both sets of parents... Between cancer and school, there's nothing left for our finances. And there's still more cancer bills to pay, and more tuition, and our normal bills... and Christmas. And yearly pictures. Maybe I can make stuff for people instead of buying stuff. But the kids need new clothes.

Whimper. Sigh. Trudge along.

"When all you gotta keep is strong, move along move along like I know you do. And even when your hope is gone, move along move along just to make it through. Move along."

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Tired. Headache. Muscle cramps. Dehydrated. Depressed. Irrational. Ate food, though, and took tylenol. I've shredded my arm with my teeth. :( Too many days in a row of frustration. I gotta start wearing long sleeves or something.

The weather's nice today. Kids are playing outside while I read my book on the porch. You should read the Night World series by L. J. Smith - it's like Twilight in the premise but it's much better written, came out when I was a teenager (ten years ago-ish), and you don't want to shoot the characters.
I've been pretty damn cranky lately. Sure, there are a lot of things bugging me, but I think my coping level is just run down. I haven't been eating well. I haven't been sleeping enough (thanks to David's stupid work schedule and my lack of self-discipline. Luckily his schedule changes back to the one that works best for us after tomorrow). I haven't been exercising.

I've given up talking to everyone I'm not actually related to or don't absolutely have to talk to for a week. That's my goal. Thursday I'll come back online. I need to get away from the drama before I take somebody's head off. I have a TON of stuff I'm behind on because I've been talking to people who can't manage to behave like sane people with morals. I just can't take it anymore. Must stop plugging head into youtube instead... must get stuff done! AAAAH!

So. This week is Operation: Recover Cat's Brain! Eat well! Sleep during normal hours! Exercise!

Hopefully all the crap will finish hitting the fan by next Thursday anyway with all the friend drama. There's like, three fronts of it. Two people I should really stop talking to period, if I can manage it. Maybe. I dunno. Because I dislike them on a deep, character level. I know them well, and I do not like them. But most importantly, they're not healthy for me to talk to.

Projects: clean house, build Julie's website with PHP, finish editing everybody's creative writing (i really don't want to! i hate doing it! kirk, your writing stinks, and there's tons of it!)... do some pre-school type thing for my kid.

Must find something to do with myself and my spouse so we're both not staggering around every day barely managing to keep our tempers because we hate life so much.

I'm such a spoiled brat. I hate me sometimes. That's okay. I hate everything. At least I'm consistent.

Have I mentioned I hate sleep and food? I'm trading in this mortal model for a cyborg that plugs into the wall for 8 hours a night. Watch me.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

So I may be a mental hypochondriac. Heaven forbid I be normal, and heaven forbid there not be something wrong with me so I can be excused for poor behavior.

On another note...

Today's my birthday. I turn 27. Go me.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Let's be honest. I love my children, but I don't like being around them all the time. I want an environment I can control (at home if I clean a room, it's messed up SECONDS later). I want to do something where I get positive feedback because that's how I get any sort of self-worth. Right now I feel like a horrible parent. A horrible wife. A horrible PERSON not worth anything besides giving hugs and apologizing for being stressed and cranky all the time. And I realize that I'm stressed and cranky ALL THE TIME. My projects are done. I have zero deadlines. And I'm incredibly stressed out anyway. And it makes me want to hide from everyone and lash out at anyone who tries to bother me (like my children).