Sunday, October 11, 2009

Things Bugging Me

I created drama this week by posting a nasty letter on my other blog. In the end, it did resolve some things for some people, but I think some people are no longer speaking to me. That's okay. I don't mind that at all. Well, I'll miss talking to Bruce. But maybe he'll talk to me again at some point. It was worth it to get Julie and Shelley talking to each other again. Must resist sending letter to my grandmother...

The bottom line, though, is that I wrote the thing in the first place because I got set off by a little thing. Because my stress levels are up, even though I'm not depressed. There's just a LOT to be stressed about right now. So I'm dumping it here, and trying to come up with one thing I can do about each stressor.

Things that are bugging me:

- My house is a mess. Solution: clean it. There's just so MUCH to clean. And things like my desk feel impossible to clean. But I know it's not. I just have to do a little bit at a time.

- My in-laws house is a mess, and I'm their housekeeper. Solution: that's not really your problem. It's their house. You're cleaning it as a hobby / way to help out. The end.

- Our finances are a wreck. I got a phone call this week saying that a bill I didn't know about was in collections. It's a medical bill from my cancer that's almost $4000. I have no money left. My relatives have no money left. My credit score is probably plummeting. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm looking for jobs and sending out job applications. I did set up a payment plan with the people who called. I just really hate being in debt. And I really really really hate being in debt for something I couldn't control. It feels like I'm being punished for something that's not my fault. And even if I did get a job, I don't know if it'll pay for everything, and if I'm abandoning my kids, or how scheduling will work out with David in school and me at work and the kids need attention... Something HAS to be done before next semester starts, and I still have no idea what.

- My husband is super busy. I rarely get to see him. He's either at work, at school, or doing homework. And he's really stressed, and I don't know if he's going to get his fourth class finished by the end of the semester. Since he's so busy, I've taken on ALL of the housework and errands and other chores. And he doesn't have time to give me breaks from my kids (ideally I want about 4 hours of kid-free time a week, just so I can de-stress and reboot my brain). So I'm fried. And lonely. And David's fried and lonely and stressed.

- People. There was a lot of "I'm mad at so-and-so and won't tell them" going on, and other people whining, and I found out my friend's mom died and I didn't know because I stopped reading her blog because she never, not once, posted a happy post. And I think I just blew up. And not one of the people who should have read my LJ post and applied it to themselves thought it was for them. Everybody ELSE came and asked if it was about them. I guess the people who most need introspection weren't about to start now, right?

- My dad is drinking himself to death. My grandparents are dying. It's going to be another round of holidays this year where you feel a strong obligation to attend because THIS will be the last year such-and-such family member is alive. (The last three or four went the same way.) And so far everybody's still alive, but it's just dread, and waiting for people to drop dead and get that horrible phone call, and am I doing enough to help people while they're still alive to be comforted? Part of me wants to comfort them. Part of me wants to bash their head in for KILLING THEMSELVES SLOWLY WITH POOR DECISIONS. If your liver isn't working anymore, stop drinking alcohol or you're poisoning yourself. If you're diabetic, eat properly. Stupidheads. Also, stop being jerks.

- I feel like a jerk right now.

- Winter is coming. I am really really really dreading the long, cold, dark months stuck inside. I don't know what to do with my kids. I feel like an inadequate parent. I know there are lots of places to go and lots of things to do. I just have to get myself to do them. I'd rather be at my computer ignoring the world. On the other hand, I'd like to look back on these years and say that I gave my kids my all, and taught them what they need to know to be successful in life. To know that they are loved.

- There is SO MUCH to do. Cleaning my house, cleaning my in-laws' house, paying attention to my kids, earning money, doing websites, reading, watching television, doing service for other people, doing holiday stuff, church stuff.... *head asplode*

- Did we mention that finances are really bugging me? I did. Did I mention that our car is losing its heater and air conditioning capabilities, just in time for winter? Did we mention that I have no idea what to get for people for Christmas that doesn't cost a lot of money? Did we mention that there's dentist appointments overdue and next spring's doctor appointments for all my post-cancer checkups? Did I mention how much debt we have? We have medical debt, and student loans, and we borrowed $4000 from David's parents to pay for medical debt and tuition, too. And AAAAARGH.

- Oh yes. And I feel fat. And if we don't get our weight under control, my husband is going to develop diabetes like his dad. So I've had a hard time getting myself to eat this week. While food rots in my fridge. *headdesk* Add cleaning out fridge to my to-do list.

Monday, October 5, 2009

So my posting spree of doing a bit of cognitive therapy every day has ended.

We played outside as much as possible during the last few days of warmth. My parents came to visit. My mom is doing well. My dad seems to be drinking himself to death. At the very least, he looks terrible. And now I have a cold, as well as my kids. But my fridge and cupboard are stocked with Really Good Food, and I have projects to keep me busy.

I bought a copy of the cognitive therapy book for my mom and sent it home with her. She was so interested in my copy while she was here that it seemed like a good idea. She turned right to the anger chapter that I'm working on (it's another loooong chapter that I've started twice and seem to be stuck in). My mom has a lot of anger, now that I think about it. From what I got out of the chapter so far is that there's no point in being angry with my grandmother for saying really mean things to my mom.

Prozac continues to keep me stable, during a time when I know I'd be a wreck without it. My husband is depressed and stopped taking HIS prozac, which was a really bad idea. So he has an appointment with his doctor as soon as possible to get back on it. Things are kinda stressed over here, but it's not the MEGA STRESS ALL THE TIME of me-not-on-prozac. So we're coping.

Stressors: Our finances need help. David has too much to do between work and school, plus his depression. I have a lot on my plate, too. Then there's Everybody Elderly is Dying. David's grandparents. My grandparents. My old neighbor, of whom I am very fond, had a heart attack. It's just, we're at the point where any day somebody could drop dead and we've had to make arrangements for What If There's a Funeral Tomorrow kind of things. Blah. And I'm worried about my dad, and my siblings, and everybody. But mostly we're just kinda insanely busy.

Doing more cognitive therapy is on my to-do list for today. Wish me luck.