Monday, April 11, 2011

By Request

Shay wanted an update.

I cannot bring myself to update anything on my public blog. Been writing for an hour. Deleted it. Will try over here instead. No, it's not going to make sense to any of you. It's a brain dump.

I'm listening to an entire album essentially dedicated to searching for death. Hednoize. Good stuff.

Two years ago in April I had cancer. A year ago was just as bad, and I lost parts of me I will never get back. Little deaths. It took me six months to stop wanting to die. Another six months to be able to talk about it and deal with it.

Theoretically everything's been put in place. Dealt with. Which is a miracle, since I never thought that would happen. My pride is gone. I learned how to not think about things. To function without feeling.

And now what? I look forward to material things. Moving into a bigger place, the end of school, shifts at work... none of these mean anything.

Relationships... I have essentially cut ties with everyone not at work and not online. I haven't visited or been visited by anyone really. Matt came to babysit once. People at church have bent over backwards to try to reach out to me. I cannot seem to reciprocate. There's sibs at work that I reach out to as little islands of home in a giant see of people who are not mine. But that's limited. Perhaps now overtime and winter are ending... who knows. Everyone will get together, though, for Conduit. Which will have to balance between friends seeing me for the first time in a year and it being David's and my ten year wedding anniversary celebration.

Muse. Eleven years of wanting, needing, hating, loving, trying to rid myself of but cannot leave alone... "Tell me why. Only why." (<- the music is chiming in) My addiction, obsession, temptation, and death of everything I care about. All rolled into one skinny form with hazel eyes. These scars may heal but will never leave me.

I stay up night after night past when I should go to bed. Reading, playing games. Enjoying the silence and the solitude.

It always comes down to these things. Lucidi. Pain or lack thereof. Fight or flight. Wanting to reach out and touch someone and not trusting or trusting too much... My boundaries are fucked. I live to learn without an eye and I learn to live without pieces of my sanity. I can fake it enough to get by. But I don't think I have answered "I am well" to "How are you" for a very long time.

Ha. Music: "When they come for me tonight everything will be okay."

"I am what I am and I will survive." "Touched, you say that I am too." Brad, Kirk, Robin... did you think we'd still be like this so long into the future? Or is it just me? It can't be just me. There are too many coming to the same conclusions independently. Too many similarities in the shattered glass. "If you shattered first the mirror its jagged edges would be nearer to my once whole soul."

"some day if i go far enough over the road, i'll be a world away. i've been to hell and back. i'll take a heaven next. and they'll fade away. wide awake, i'm in no hurry. i look behind; i see the fire of bridges burning. i can't go back."