Friday, March 6, 2009

Going to Philly

I'm being sent to Philadelphia to have the tumor in my eye removed. On the one hand, this is great news. It means I'm keeping my eye, which was unexpected. It means I'll be in the care of the best doctors for it in the nation. My family and friends are being extremely supportive, especially my parents who are paying for all this treatment and traveling as well as volunteering to watch my kids while I'm gone.

The downside to this is that I will be leaving my kids for a week, if not more. No one can give me a concrete timeline of when I'll be able to fly home after surgery until I actually get there and they look at the tumor themselves. So I've got my husband and my father both wanting to go with me while the other stays behind. My dad wants to go so there will be one parent with my kids and so David won't miss so much work and school. My husband doesn't want to leave me. He doesn't want to have me half way across the country at the mercy of a parent that causes me so much stress, or be helpless and far away waiting for a phone call when I'm in surgery. So we seem to compromise on my dad being there for the first half of the week and my husband being there the second half. But nobody's really going to be totally happy with any situation that's put forward. Everybody's stressed. I've been on the verge of crying all day just from stress. I really don't want to go, but I have to.

This is a really lousy way to live. I can't seem to function very well this stressed out, and it doesn't seem to be stopping. One doctor appointment bleeds into another before I can calm down. Monday I get to go in for a round of blood tests and liver tests and an EKG. I was supposed to schedule a general physical exam today, but never got to it. It was enough trying to sort out the travel plans. It's causing a lot of hurt in already strained relationships, and I don't see any way to stop it.

I need to dig myself out of this pit of stress and depression. My body is still capable of movement. I'm not sick or in pain. I need to have the house clean before bed tonight (because mess = stress, and cleaning helps me feel better). I need to make dinner. At least I went to the gym this morning for the first time in a couple weeks. I had a good breakfast/lunch. I got the dishwasher running. I dealt with the things that absolutely needed to be dealt with today. I got groceries for this weekend. I'm not totally useless, but I need to get off my butt and do more so I will stop feeling like my chest is caving in.

To keep myself from getting overwhelmed I will do things in very, very small amounts. One thing off the floor and put away. One small section of countertop cleaned off. One piece of laundry folded and put away. At least it will be progress. I really, really, really just want to read and/or play video games, though....

Sunday, March 1, 2009

I'm Still Kicking

Hey folks. Sorry I haven't updated. I've been distracted!

Monday's therapy session (our first family group session) was mostly answering questions about what we want to get out of therapy this time around. We go back again tomorrow and maybe we'll make more progress. I was supposed to write down times things went well this week as my therapy homework, but I didn't. Things were pretty laid back this week, so we didn't have too many tempers flare. We're just letting a lot of things slide because everybody's stressed and we don't want to aggravate it.

My doctor appointment was much more of the same. Doctors coming in, poking me in the eyes, and not giving me a lot of information. We did get an ultrasound done of my eye, and they want us to come back this coming week to do Grand Rounds, which is where a lot of doctors look at interesting patient cases and decide what to do about it.

I'm noticing a pattern in stress levels. I get stressed in the two or three days leading up to an appointment and the two or three days after an appointment as I digest whatever information they've given me. I spend those days watching television, playing on the computer, or reading a lot to try to give my nerves a break by distracting them with other things to think about. I've been pretty useless this week post-doctor appointment. Today I am finally cleaning the house and getting things in order in preparation for next week when I'll be too stressed to handle things again. But at least we're still getting by and nobody's blown a gasket or anything.

So today I'm cleaning the house. It's almost done. Tonight I hope to make food that we can munch on all week, and update the checkbook. Maybe clean off my kitchen table, which is piled in papers needing to be filed. That's all. And then it's off to playing more World of Warcraft.

Hope everyone else is doing well. Take care. *wanders off*