Tuesday, May 22, 2012

As summer comes closer
I cannot help feeling you should be here
watching movies and trading books
chasing kids at the firework shows
and swimming in the pool.

I want my friend back.
But you're gone,
and you're never coming back,
are you?
You have a new life now
and it doesn't involve me.

I don't want to let go
of a decade of memories
fun times
car rides
evening walks
Hastings runs
geeky in-jokes

I have other friends.
I've already started shifting.
But it's not the same.
It'll never be the same
(if God is kind, it'll never be the same)
I'm finally becoming resigned
to change,
whether I like it or not.

But I miss you.

inspiration of a thousand notes
written and shredded.
 Maybe I'll dream of you again
so at least I can see your face.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

Took the day off today for sanity's sake.  Had an anxiety attack in the middle of work yesterday and didn't want to repeat it, which I'm pretty sure would have been inevitable given last night's lack of sleep.  "Excuse me, I don't want to have my crazy showing in public."  And co-workers message me when they get home checking to see if I'm okay.  So I stayed home and tried to work through some things.  Yesterday after the panic passed I did one of the cognitive behavior therapy exercises where you list all your stressors in one column and what you can do about them in the other column. Another way of looking at it is having the irrational brain on one column and the rational brain on the other column.  They are as follows:

- David has major depression/shut down episodes when he tries to job hunt, which is imperative for him to be working on right now.  He started out yesterday morning by completely freaking out on me (so I guess turnabout is fair play?) and so I suddenly went into overdrive thinking I'd have to compensate for his share of the workload until he gets it all sorted out.  Which caused an overwhelming sense of stress.

I addressed David's initial problem by helping him do an application before I left for work yesterday and then having him help me take chunks off my to do list today.

- The actual trigger for the anxiety attack was two coworkers behaving in a hostile manner.  One little old lady causes everybody grief on a consistent basis, so at least it's not just me.  Anyway, she wanted me to order components as an "emergency" order when it was in no way shape or form an emergency.  So I said no.  And she spent the next four hours being rude and obviously angry about it.  And then I burst into tears after lunch and she wasn't as rude anymore.  Heh.  The other coworker is a guy who has triggered two previous anxiety attacks.  He's nice except for when he gets angry, and everything about him to me reads as violent.  It doesn't matter if he's mad at you, he will still take his temper out on you if you're nearby.  I keep expecting him to hit me.  Which really sucks, because 95% of the time he's a really nice, funny guy.

I talked to my supervisor about the little old lady.  They're going to put something in the newsletter (in writing) about the policy on when it's appropriate to do emergency orders, so the next time she gives someone grief about it we can shove it up her nose.  I cannot do anything about the old man, seeing as how I've had discussions with him after the last two anxiety attacks with no results.  It's not enough to cause an issue for HR.  I just need to avoid him when he's angry.

- To Do List - SO MUCH TO DO.  I've put off a lot of things since the beginning of the year because work's been so busy.  And just.... AAAAAAAGH.

David and I did some errands today (which were completely and utterly fruitless.  grr! we'll try again Monday) and then alternated rounds of cleaning and gaming.  So that helps a bit.

- Mom's family reunion - Is there a polite way to say "Hell no!"?  I think not.  And I worry about hurting my mom's feelings because she's been waxing nostalgic about the places she grew up.  And I worry I'll get guilted into going anyway.  But why in the world do I want to drive four or five hours each way to go visit people I don't know, don't want to know, and don't trust around my kids?  YOU GAVE MY MOTHER POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, YOU BASTARDS.  GO FUCK YOURSELVES.  I realize this is an unkind, unforgiving, and possibly unhealthy view to take towards my mother's family.  I realize this is one dark thing in a family that has lots of bright spots.  But even if you ignore all that, the anxiety that trip would cause is still not worth it to me to go.

- Trip to Salt Lake tomorrow - driving to places outside of Cache Valley are universally unpleasant, given how much I panic in cars.  Just driving around Logan today running errands was bad enough. I'm really jumpy already.  The trip has been up in the air all week, whether or not to go to the Renaissance Fair with friends and family and possibly hang out in Salt Lake afterwards.  It got decided when David freaked out that I needed to get him out of the house for a day.  So we're going.  We are skipping the Renaissance Fair on account of I don't want to be conscious that early, but we'll play afterwards and go see Avengers and possibly have dinner with Heidi.  Which brings us to...

- Sibs/shift - I'm not explaining this one.  Suffice it to say I put too many strings on my closest friends and as a result everything's all tangled and screwy and it's both wonderful and awful to see people.