Thursday, July 30, 2009


Did the MRI this morning. Got results back. My brain scan is NORMAL! No MS or cancer! YAAAAAAAY!

I'm so relieved. My arm went tingly a few minutes ago, and my spine is still painfully cricked, but I DON'T CARE! I'm not dying! WHEEEEEEE!

I have my meeting tonight and that'll be kinda stressful still, but I have a design I like (finally!) and I have to stay awake long enough to pick up my husband at 11 tonight, and then I can sleep. I can finally sleep without the stress and paranoia and fear that my brain is trying to eat/destroy itself.

I need to have a My-brain-is-normal party. It needs to involve pizza and Warcraft and sleep.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

One mole removed. No other moles or skin abnormalities found. They'll send the mole out for testing to see if it was cancerous and mail me the results.

Monday, July 27, 2009

round two

You ever get the feeling God's laughing at you?

Today was my doctor appointment to see why my arm, shoulder, and go numb on occasion. It went as I expected. I'm healthy, except parts of me go numb, which is not healthy. A numb arm could be a pinched ulnar nerve, except numbness extends into my face, which rules that out (which is what brought me to the doctor in the first place). So I have an MRI scheduled for Thursday morning, which is a brain imaging process that will see if I have multiple sclerosis or a brain tumor.

If those are ruled out, then it could be a pinched nerve in my neck. So at the moment I'm hoping for the pinched nerve in my neck, because the alternatives sound not fun.

Wednesday morning I'm getting my probably skin cancer mole removed. It'll be interesting to see if that one's actually skin cancer or not. It's big and ugly and black.

I'm thinking I'm going to be a wreck this week. I need to find a babysitter for my kids for some of the time for two reasons. One, because my kids deserve better than to be locked in a house with a panicked mother. Two, because I need to have a big project done by Thursday evening (I'm building a website for a guy running for city council, and Thursday is our next meeting).

So um, anyone want to babysit?

P.S. - I'm posting on this blog instead of my LiveJournal because my dad reads my LJ and I don't want him freaking out unnecessarily if this turns out to be nothing. My mom knows. That's enough for now.

Sunday, July 26, 2009

I'm in a strange headspace
and I wish I were somewhere else,
maybe someone else
for at least a little while.

Long enough to rest.
Long enough to get what I want.

But I want everything,
and it will never be enough
if I keep yearning for what I don't have.

So I will try to be content with what I have
and try not to obsess over things that should mean nothing.

If I pretend I'm not crazy,
then for all intents and purposes
I won't be.

Friday, July 10, 2009

I am so ANGRY.

My house was clean yesterday. Today it's trashed. I am not the one who trashed it, but I'm always the one who cleans it up.

I have ONE place in my house that's mine. My computer. And my kids keep taking that from me, too.

I don't have a life. I have endless babysitting, and I do a crappy job at it because all I want is to be left alone. And so my purpose in life is either pointless (cleaning) or a failure (raising my children).

Also, I hate my brain. It's obsessive. I want it to shut the hell up. Everybody thinks it's amusing watching me squirm over finding myself attracted to someone inappropriate. It's not amusing when it never stops! It's not amusing when I can't keep my mouth shut over who I find attractive and it makes relationships awkward. It's not amusing in my sister's case, when she never shuts up about it (hi, jen!) and it contributes to her not being able to function like a normal person. Today I'm having that problem. I should have spent today and yesterday sorting papers and paying bills instead of looking at pictures from the last eight years. It's a mental illness, albeit a minor one. I just want it to go away.

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm a wreck. I just threw a huge tantrum and yelled at my kids and broke the surge protector that goes to my television. I'm lashing out at anyone and anything that comes near me. I've called everyone I can think of in town to come over for dinner (incentive for me to put myself and my house back together) and nobody can come.

Under my breath I keep muttering that I hate myself and I hate my life. And two weeks ago I was FINE. And then I got run down by too much to do and getting sick and not enough rest and here we are!

The first person who says I can fix all this by praying more gets kicked in the head and not spoken to for several weeks.