Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Today was going better than yesterday. I got back on the bandwagon, ate oatmeal for breakfast, came home ready to get stuff done.  Then I went to pick up kids from school. 

Yep, that's my kid in the principal's office, where he's been most of the day after punching four kids and then threatening to blow up the school.  Why?  Because someone was throwing a ball at him during a game during P.E. 

It's not like we haven't been over how to handle bullying situations a hundred times. It's not like he hasn't been in one on one counseling for a year and a half to learn to control his emotions / responses.  It's not like we haven't kept in constant communication with his teacher, giving set consequences for every day he doesn't behave appropriately in school.  It's not like we don't do everything we can to make sure he has a safe, loving home to make him feel secure and not need to lash out at other people. 

I don't understand what else I need to be doing.  Obviously I'm failing at something.  If I pull him out of school and put him in the online K12 program, I will have to quit my job and be the mean person who rides him to get his schoolwork done. I don't know if that will help him.  I know it will help everyone else who has to put up with his punching, fits, crying, disruptions... My child is terrible in school, and I feel like it's my fault. 

I feel like I'm failing at everything. That I've tried so hard, and it's all for naught.  That everything's hopeless.  I want to give up.  Why does everything always have to be so hard?

Monday, January 13, 2014

Trying to stop using caffeine and melatonin, so I haven't slept well at all this week.  I remember how much I hate going to bed. 

I try not to write anymore, but sometimes I can't help it.  The words must go somewhere. 

Feeling pretty withdrawn from everyone.  I stop writing. I stop talking to people. I filter everything. If you can't say something nice...

Pretty frustrated with humanity.  I speculate it's the new job and having to pretend to be someone I'm not, and to play nice with people who grate on my nerves.  But I really just don't know. 

Frustrated with David's students for being stupid and apathetic.  Frustrated with myself for being stupid and apathetic and knowing better.  Frustrated that I have no idea what will make me happy. 

I like my music and my headphones and my books and my husband and my kids.  Threw in the towel today and watched a movie with kids upstairs, on a couch!  Pleased to be able to do so. 

Had my head down for so long, I need to find a new purpose now that there's room to breathe.  There's legacy work to be done.  Do I write?  All the townrats are grown, and teenagers today can bite me, and my Lost Prophets have gone down the drain.  What do I even have to offer anymore?  Angst I should have outgrown?  The mindhacker theory no one believes in but me?  My family of friends has grown distant and broken.  We've all become so...ordinary. 

Tired.  Weepy, and not sure why.