can't sleep, my brain will eat me

m'tired.  not sleeping tonight because mental static won't die down.  too much crap from people swimming in my head.  i took it easy today, trying to let it slide off.  i just want to be so very done with humans.  i also want to go visit matt and julie, but i can't.  it was matt's birthday yesterday, and now it's julie's new year's eve party, and i've missed both.  i have decided life is unfair. *slump*

things left unprocessed for too long: the shooting at the elementary school.  people shooting kids the same age as mine.  it came a day after death threats came to the school where my husband is teaching, by one of his students, to the room next door.  it could have been my kids. it could have been my husband.  nothing is safe, and nothing is certain, ever.  i carried my baby into school that day, passing people who hadn't heard about the shooting and not having the heart or the composure to tell them the news. 

work.  work is this constant spew of bile.  i can almost time it to where i can expect people to drop by, say something negative about someone else, and flit away again.  or i can watch my coworker have a total shut-down of all higher brain functions besides depression and paranoia, while everyone else is either oblivious or doesn't care.  other coworkers on suicide watch.  other coworkers daring life to call them on their bluff of i-don't-care-do-your-worst.  it's just an onslaught, day after day.  and i don't belong there, and i shouldn't be there anymore.  i'm waiting.  waiting for david to find a job and for life to start.  it's an idiotic mindset. 

church.  maybe i can just pick 'em out, but the trend seems to be women trying to be super-women, falling short, hating themselves and/or feeling guilty, and having slow but steady meltdowns.  church goes to a later time next week with the start of the new year, and i wonder if i'll attend since i'll be able to get more sleep.  and i wonder how much i'll be able to contain myself.  and how many people i'll offend.  and how hypocritical i'll be.  because there are only so many hours in the day, and shit happens (that's called "life"), and your illusions of perfection are bullshit.  and i keep waiting for my bishop to have a heart attack and die from stress.  seriously, i always want to feed the man a sandwich and then make him take a nap.

dear person who keeps telling me that four hours of sleep is all my body needs: go @#$#$ yourself.  no, really! 

ah, my brother got married.  i missed his wedding.  the only invitation i got was a few days before the event, via facebook.  and the date was set for Christmas.  so i either got to spend the day with my family and miss the wedding, or go to the wedding and ignore my family.  screwed either way! go me!  i was too exhausted to do anything by that point since we hosted my in-laws at my house for Christmas eve.  and grandma called and ordered me to send pictures.  i didn't tell her my camera's dead.  oh well.  jen, send grandma enough pictures for both of us, would you?  my camera's dead.

what else is rattling in my head and not letting me sleep?  stress. i need to visit people and finish Christmas cards. i need to spend playtime with my kids.  i need to prepare for January at work, which will involve mandatory overtime, trying not to get myself fired as i try not to strangle my boss who, even after i've resigned from my special project to avoid her, will not let the damn thing die.  and everybody keeps getting sick.  and i need a new best friend, with whom everything isn't so screwy.  turns out my old best friend is an alcoholic!  i didn't realize it for a decade!  because i'm a moron! 

i must remind myself, yet again, that there are good things in life and reasons to keep living.  i am very fond of my husband and children.  i finally have the house i dreamed of, with a big open space for dancing goofily to music, my artwork is up, my bookshelves are up, my own computer.  i have all my needs met: shelter, warmth, food, warm water.  i have a ton of wants met: books, video games, music.  nobody that i've tried helping is dead and/or dying at the moment.  i've done some good in the world.  i am technically in good standing with everybody i can think of, even if i'm late with Christmas stuff. 

tomorrow begins the new year.  new beginnings.  so many goals i want to reach this year.  my hope is low, but maybe things will get better.  i want to lose weight, become more financially stable, get our jobs in place where i want them, teach my kids a million things, learn a million things for myself, make some things. 

there. brain officially dumped.  now maybe i can sleep. wish me luck!

brain dump

Hm.  What've we got? 

Need better diet / more sleep / regular exercise.  My brain says I cannot do those things while at my current job on my current schedule.  It's a lame excuse and probably not true.  And yet. 

I really, really, really want David to get a permanent job so life can move forward.  So we can stop waiting, hanging in limbo for housing, jobs, schools, life, etc.  We'd make more money. David would stop having that anxiety over his head (it would be replaced with the anxiety of actually doing and keeping his job). 

I want a different job.  Specifically I want away from the gossipy infighting and certain people.  And I should find a job in technical writing, since that's what I have a degree for. 

I want to stay in Logan.  It's a wonderful place to live.  David's parents are here.  I know this place.  I don't want to move. 

I'm feeling pretty helpless to fix anything bigger than scrapes.  I can patch things with bandaids, but the bigger wounds by which people bleed out are beyond me.  Never mind other peoples' problems, I cannot even solve my own except to wait. And hold on.  This week involves talking a cutter down from the ledge, teaching some cognitive behavior therapy, calling and visiting the elderly and the lonely, trying to ease the tension at work, trying to not screw up peoples' lives by staying out of it. 

The weather's been dreary and wet, just like my sinuses.  I just want to sleep forever.  To finally be well and rested and then have the quiet and space and time to clean and organize everything physically and mentally.  I am forever stumbling haphazardly, trying to miss the biggest potholes and at least show up on time.  Perhaps unprepared, but willing.  Except for where I've had enough.  I told them I won't run Paychex again.  Except I probably will.  And aaaaaaaaagh. 

I'm getting older. And I'm turning into those things I hate.  And I feel like a lazy whiner who should just shut up and work harder.  I've seen people work themselves into ruin, and I don't want to go there, either.  I don't know!  I don't know anything!  I will never get everything right!  And it bugs the crap out of me!  Exclamation points!  Grr!

I should be sleeping. I should be cleaning. I should be running errands and ordering Christmas presents before it's too late and making myself pretty for the Christmas party tonight.  Today's bright spot involves a date with mine spousal unit in the middle of work.  It's like a field trip! 

Things that make me happy: my David.  Hugs from my kids.  Christmas lights and buying presents for people.  Being able to help people, even if it's only a little bit  A clean house (not that mine is right now, but it's not absolutely terrible, either).  Readily available food.  Warmth.  Hot showers.  Antlers on Darth Vader.  Music.  Oh crap, I still have library books.  And I was gonna do Helen's tree.  And I was contemplating doing Donna's party today, but it can wait until tomorrow.  Except I'll be tired tomorrow, too.  And still sick.  But I have cold medicine!  Yay for cold medicine!  

We're standing too close.
Every time one of us moves,
we brush,
jostle,
and bruise each other.

I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to hurt anymore.

I try to keep my distance,
but I can't let you go.
You're all I have.
The pull is too strong.
You are Home,
safety, peace, understanding, family.
Even if it's a lie.

You can't have me.
You don't really want me.
You just want a Home.

So we circle,
stumbling,
bruising.
I'm sorry,
I'm still learning to dance.

As summer comes closer
I cannot help feeling you should be here
watching movies and trading books
chasing kids at the firework shows
and swimming in the pool.

I want my friend back.
But you're gone,
and you're never coming back,
are you?
You have a new life now
and it doesn't involve me.

I don't want to let go
of a decade of memories
fun times
car rides
evening walks
Hastings runs
geeky in-jokes

I have other friends.
I've already started shifting.
But it's not the same.
It'll never be the same
(if God is kind, it'll never be the same)
I'm finally becoming resigned
to change,
shifting,
whether I like it or not.

But I miss you.

Muse,
inspiration of a thousand notes
written and shredded.
 Maybe I'll dream of you again
so at least I can see your face.

Took the day off today for sanity's sake.  Had an anxiety attack in the middle of work yesterday and didn't want to repeat it, which I'm pretty sure would have been inevitable given last night's lack of sleep.  "Excuse me, I don't want to have my crazy showing in public."  And co-workers message me when they get home checking to see if I'm okay.  So I stayed home and tried to work through some things.  Yesterday after the panic passed I did one of the cognitive behavior therapy exercises where you list all your stressors in one column and what you can do about them in the other column. Another way of looking at it is having the irrational brain on one column and the rational brain on the other column.  They are as follows:

- David has major depression/shut down episodes when he tries to job hunt, which is imperative for him to be working on right now.  He started out yesterday morning by completely freaking out on me (so I guess turnabout is fair play?) and so I suddenly went into overdrive thinking I'd have to compensate for his share of the workload until he gets it all sorted out.  Which caused an overwhelming sense of stress.

I addressed David's initial problem by helping him do an application before I left for work yesterday and then having him help me take chunks off my to do list today.

- The actual trigger for the anxiety attack was two coworkers behaving in a hostile manner.  One little old lady causes everybody grief on a consistent basis, so at least it's not just me.  Anyway, she wanted me to order components as an "emergency" order when it was in no way shape or form an emergency.  So I said no.  And she spent the next four hours being rude and obviously angry about it.  And then I burst into tears after lunch and she wasn't as rude anymore.  Heh.  The other coworker is a guy who has triggered two previous anxiety attacks.  He's nice except for when he gets angry, and everything about him to me reads as violent.  It doesn't matter if he's mad at you, he will still take his temper out on you if you're nearby.  I keep expecting him to hit me.  Which really sucks, because 95% of the time he's a really nice, funny guy.

I talked to my supervisor about the little old lady.  They're going to put something in the newsletter (in writing) about the policy on when it's appropriate to do emergency orders, so the next time she gives someone grief about it we can shove it up her nose.  I cannot do anything about the old man, seeing as how I've had discussions with him after the last two anxiety attacks with no results.  It's not enough to cause an issue for HR.  I just need to avoid him when he's angry.

- To Do List - SO MUCH TO DO.  I've put off a lot of things since the beginning of the year because work's been so busy.  And just.... AAAAAAAGH.

David and I did some errands today (which were completely and utterly fruitless.  grr! we'll try again Monday) and then alternated rounds of cleaning and gaming.  So that helps a bit.

- Mom's family reunion - Is there a polite way to say "Hell no!"?  I think not.  And I worry about hurting my mom's feelings because she's been waxing nostalgic about the places she grew up.  And I worry I'll get guilted into going anyway.  But why in the world do I want to drive four or five hours each way to go visit people I don't know, don't want to know, and don't trust around my kids?  YOU GAVE MY MOTHER POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER, YOU BASTARDS.  GO FUCK YOURSELVES.  I realize this is an unkind, unforgiving, and possibly unhealthy view to take towards my mother's family.  I realize this is one dark thing in a family that has lots of bright spots.  But even if you ignore all that, the anxiety that trip would cause is still not worth it to me to go.

- Trip to Salt Lake tomorrow - driving to places outside of Cache Valley are universally unpleasant, given how much I panic in cars.  Just driving around Logan today running errands was bad enough. I'm really jumpy already.  The trip has been up in the air all week, whether or not to go to the Renaissance Fair with friends and family and possibly hang out in Salt Lake afterwards.  It got decided when David freaked out that I needed to get him out of the house for a day.  So we're going.  We are skipping the Renaissance Fair on account of I don't want to be conscious that early, but we'll play afterwards and go see Avengers and possibly have dinner with Heidi.  Which brings us to...

- Sibs/shift - I'm not explaining this one.  Suffice it to say I put too many strings on my closest friends and as a result everything's all tangled and screwy and it's both wonderful and awful to see people.

Kim, the posts you want are from the earliest posts of this blog. Go look in the history where I list ways of coping with depression, and possibly the posts on cognitive behavior therapy. Also, HIIIII! I never write where people can find things anymore. *sigh* Oh well.

Went to the library today. Got me some pretty music. Books aren’t cutting it to keep out thoughts of what’s going on around me.

These things will not leave me alone. The burdens of others I try to lay down. Wondering how much is actually my responsibility, and what I get to watch helplessly. People struggling.

A mother lost and still mourned.
A rape.
A death threat.
A failing attempt to figure out life.
People hellbent on keeping others down.


Pain, guilt, jealousy, pettiness, greed, loss, loneliness, despair.


Life is fragile. Humans are fragile, as resilient as they are.

I’m pulling away even as I try to make connections with people.

These things have always been. They never change. They just get more familiar, more complicated.