Wednesday, October 23, 2013

I wanna break down.
You don't understand the damage you've done now.
Let me remind you that I had a heart
and you came inside
turned the whole place upside down." - Labrinth

It's not fair. It's never fair. It's okay. I'm used to disappointment. Turn on the music, crank the volume, and let it seep. out. away. Until only I remain.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

can't sleep

"a solitary cry echoes through my mouth and through my mind. i think of you. i think i woke up screaming. i had a dream that you still loved me." - SW

So.  Where to start?

I'll be missing at least three Fourth of July parties this year. I'll be at work. Which is just as well, because if you're going to be miserable, you should at least get paid for it.  And we could use the money.

Still waiting for David to get a job. He's been putting out a lot more applications this summer than I thought he would, and wants to go to two job fairs soon.  I suspect if he gets a job, it will be in Salt Lake, so we'll move abruptly.  My entire life is hanging in limbo.  Just hanging there, for a year and a half, but closer now than ever...  I hate change.  But things need to change.

Dear heavens, why am I listening to this album?  Stabbing Westward is not good for you, and their first album least of all. 

My dad has been fired from his job today, presumably for being intoxicated at work. 

I have no words.  Well, none that I'll be repeating, I guess.  And a silent prayer for my mother, who endures and endures and endures. 

"there are times when i'm just a shell. where i do not feel anything for anyone. all i feel is hollow and bruised, used up and misused, forced to be someone i don't want to be.  have i failed somehow or some way?  will the weights of today finally pull me down to drown in the depths of despair where i am alone except for my rage..." - SW

Saturday, April 27, 2013

I am hurt and shocked and disappointed and angry.  Really, really angry.

It never ceases to amaze me, the way people choose to treat each other.  The vast range between selfless acts of kindness and selfish acts that bring nothing but destruction.  Destruction of the self, of relationships, of the fabric that tie us all together as human beings.  And over what? 

I'm so sick of the bombardment.  ("Same as yesterday, bleeding more of me."  - Hednoize)  I know in time I'll be able to deal with it rationally, and find a way to discuss things in a peaceful manner that should resolve the issue in an amicable manner for all parties.  But dear heavens right now I just want to smack some people and/or walk away forever.

But I don't have the time and space to calm down, and I can't seem to escape.  I just...endure.  As best I can. 

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

"here again today.
open up another vein.
same as yesterday,
bleeding more of me."  - hednoize

"all your weight,
it falls on me.
it brings me down." - collective soul

Too many people lately need serious help.  I do what I can, but it's not enough.  And it's been pounded into my head that it's not my responsibility.  I cannot fix you.  Only you can fix you.  I am not a trained therapist.  I can listen, and I can empathize, and then I come home and cry my eyes out because it all has to process.  David and Julie say I need to stop.

Sunday, February 17, 2013

What is this, one group of people died, and so the next group of people is ending up in the hospital?  There's half a dozen of them!  GAH!

On a fluffier note, I'm starting antidepressants again.  Because this is ridiculous.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Spiral down to your core.
Kill the lights and crank the music,
until there's no room for illusions.
Take a look inside to find what's bleeding,
bring it to the light so its secrets are exposed
and you can begin to heal.

I guess you don't find too many
as broken as she is
trying to function in the world.
I knew she was out of my league,
but in my folly
I thought I could help anyway.

Her words echo in my head,
brutal truths that will never leave me,
of the depths people will go to
to hurt each other.
And it's like getting punched in the gut
over and over
as the words replay.

You see me smiling and laughing,
keeping things going smoothly.
You don't see me sleepless the night before
or the crash afterwards.
I don't tell you about the knife in my pocket,
the phone call to a lawyer,
or all the little fantasies of rearranging your life for you.

I have to live with my dishonesty
and my unkindness.

And I sit here and wallow in my misery.
I am convinced people do well with my polite self,
but never the real me.
I retreat, I filter, I give up my closest friends
so that I don't hurt them.

I don't want to play in this world anymore.
It always hurts.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

David's grandfather
Nicole's kid
Jaren's classmate
Maggie's dad
Kim's friend
former stake president

"In card and flowers on your window
your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.

And the shadow of the day
will embrace the world in gray.
The sun will set for you." 

- Linkin Park