Friday, July 10, 2009

I am so ANGRY.

My house was clean yesterday. Today it's trashed. I am not the one who trashed it, but I'm always the one who cleans it up.

I have ONE place in my house that's mine. My computer. And my kids keep taking that from me, too.

I don't have a life. I have endless babysitting, and I do a crappy job at it because all I want is to be left alone. And so my purpose in life is either pointless (cleaning) or a failure (raising my children).

Also, I hate my brain. It's obsessive. I want it to shut the hell up. Everybody thinks it's amusing watching me squirm over finding myself attracted to someone inappropriate. It's not amusing when it never stops! It's not amusing when I can't keep my mouth shut over who I find attractive and it makes relationships awkward. It's not amusing in my sister's case, when she never shuts up about it (hi, jen!) and it contributes to her not being able to function like a normal person. Today I'm having that problem. I should have spent today and yesterday sorting papers and paying bills instead of looking at pictures from the last eight years. It's a mental illness, albeit a minor one. I just want it to go away.

I'm tired. I'm sick. I'm a wreck. I just threw a huge tantrum and yelled at my kids and broke the surge protector that goes to my television. I'm lashing out at anyone and anything that comes near me. I've called everyone I can think of in town to come over for dinner (incentive for me to put myself and my house back together) and nobody can come.

Under my breath I keep muttering that I hate myself and I hate my life. And two weeks ago I was FINE. And then I got run down by too much to do and getting sick and not enough rest and here we are!

The first person who says I can fix all this by praying more gets kicked in the head and not spoken to for several weeks.


Shay said...

I really think that meditation would really help you out. Do you want to borrow my book??

HappyOrganist said...

hey I do function like a normal person!

normal is overrated anyway.

HappyOrganist said...

oh, I"m so happy i'm not the only one with the "i hate myself" crap going on.. mine is more subtle.