"here again today.
open up another vein.
drain.
same as yesterday,
bleeding more of me."  - hednoize

"all your weight,
it falls on me.
it brings me down." - collective soul


Too many people lately need serious help.  I do what I can, but it's not enough.  And it's been pounded into my head that it's not my responsibility.  I cannot fix you.  Only you can fix you.  I am not a trained therapist.  I can listen, and I can empathize, and then I come home and cry my eyes out because it all has to process.  David and Julie say I need to stop.

What is this, one group of people died, and so the next group of people is ending up in the hospital?  There's half a dozen of them!  GAH!

On a fluffier note, I'm starting antidepressants again.  Because this is ridiculous.

Spiral down to your core.
Kill the lights and crank the music,
until there's no room for illusions.
Take a look inside to find what's bleeding,
bring it to the light so its secrets are exposed
and you can begin to heal.

I guess you don't find too many
as broken as she is
trying to function in the world.
I knew she was out of my league,
but in my folly
I thought I could help anyway.

Her words echo in my head,
brutal truths that will never leave me,
of the depths people will go to
to hurt each other.
And it's like getting punched in the gut
over and over
as the words replay.

You see me smiling and laughing,
keeping things going smoothly.
You don't see me sleepless the night before
or the crash afterwards.
I don't tell you about the knife in my pocket,
the phone call to a lawyer,
or all the little fantasies of rearranging your life for you.

I have to live with my dishonesty
and my unkindness.

And I sit here and wallow in my misery.
I am convinced people do well with my polite self,
but never the real me.
I retreat, I filter, I give up my closest friends
so that I don't hurt them.

I don't want to play in this world anymore.
It always hurts.

David's grandfather
Nicole's kid
Jaren's classmate
Maggie's dad
Kim's friend
former stake president


"In card and flowers on your window
your friends all plead for you to stay.
Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple.
Sometimes goodbye's the only way.

And the shadow of the day
will embrace the world in gray.
The sun will set for you." 

- Linkin Park

can't sleep, my brain will eat me

m'tired.  not sleeping tonight because mental static won't die down.  too much crap from people swimming in my head.  i took it easy today, trying to let it slide off.  i just want to be so very done with humans.  i also want to go visit matt and julie, but i can't.  it was matt's birthday yesterday, and now it's julie's new year's eve party, and i've missed both.  i have decided life is unfair. *slump*

things left unprocessed for too long: the shooting at the elementary school.  people shooting kids the same age as mine.  it came a day after death threats came to the school where my husband is teaching, by one of his students, to the room next door.  it could have been my kids. it could have been my husband.  nothing is safe, and nothing is certain, ever.  i carried my baby into school that day, passing people who hadn't heard about the shooting and not having the heart or the composure to tell them the news. 

work.  work is this constant spew of bile.  i can almost time it to where i can expect people to drop by, say something negative about someone else, and flit away again.  or i can watch my coworker have a total shut-down of all higher brain functions besides depression and paranoia, while everyone else is either oblivious or doesn't care.  other coworkers on suicide watch.  other coworkers daring life to call them on their bluff of i-don't-care-do-your-worst.  it's just an onslaught, day after day.  and i don't belong there, and i shouldn't be there anymore.  i'm waiting.  waiting for david to find a job and for life to start.  it's an idiotic mindset. 

church.  maybe i can just pick 'em out, but the trend seems to be women trying to be super-women, falling short, hating themselves and/or feeling guilty, and having slow but steady meltdowns.  church goes to a later time next week with the start of the new year, and i wonder if i'll attend since i'll be able to get more sleep.  and i wonder how much i'll be able to contain myself.  and how many people i'll offend.  and how hypocritical i'll be.  because there are only so many hours in the day, and shit happens (that's called "life"), and your illusions of perfection are bullshit.  and i keep waiting for my bishop to have a heart attack and die from stress.  seriously, i always want to feed the man a sandwich and then make him take a nap.

dear person who keeps telling me that four hours of sleep is all my body needs: go @#$#$ yourself.  no, really! 

ah, my brother got married.  i missed his wedding.  the only invitation i got was a few days before the event, via facebook.  and the date was set for Christmas.  so i either got to spend the day with my family and miss the wedding, or go to the wedding and ignore my family.  screwed either way! go me!  i was too exhausted to do anything by that point since we hosted my in-laws at my house for Christmas eve.  and grandma called and ordered me to send pictures.  i didn't tell her my camera's dead.  oh well.  jen, send grandma enough pictures for both of us, would you?  my camera's dead.

what else is rattling in my head and not letting me sleep?  stress. i need to visit people and finish Christmas cards. i need to spend playtime with my kids.  i need to prepare for January at work, which will involve mandatory overtime, trying not to get myself fired as i try not to strangle my boss who, even after i've resigned from my special project to avoid her, will not let the damn thing die.  and everybody keeps getting sick.  and i need a new best friend, with whom everything isn't so screwy.  turns out my old best friend is an alcoholic!  i didn't realize it for a decade!  because i'm a moron! 

i must remind myself, yet again, that there are good things in life and reasons to keep living.  i am very fond of my husband and children.  i finally have the house i dreamed of, with a big open space for dancing goofily to music, my artwork is up, my bookshelves are up, my own computer.  i have all my needs met: shelter, warmth, food, warm water.  i have a ton of wants met: books, video games, music.  nobody that i've tried helping is dead and/or dying at the moment.  i've done some good in the world.  i am technically in good standing with everybody i can think of, even if i'm late with Christmas stuff. 

tomorrow begins the new year.  new beginnings.  so many goals i want to reach this year.  my hope is low, but maybe things will get better.  i want to lose weight, become more financially stable, get our jobs in place where i want them, teach my kids a million things, learn a million things for myself, make some things. 

there. brain officially dumped.  now maybe i can sleep. wish me luck!

brain dump

Hm.  What've we got? 

Need better diet / more sleep / regular exercise.  My brain says I cannot do those things while at my current job on my current schedule.  It's a lame excuse and probably not true.  And yet. 

I really, really, really want David to get a permanent job so life can move forward.  So we can stop waiting, hanging in limbo for housing, jobs, schools, life, etc.  We'd make more money. David would stop having that anxiety over his head (it would be replaced with the anxiety of actually doing and keeping his job). 

I want a different job.  Specifically I want away from the gossipy infighting and certain people.  And I should find a job in technical writing, since that's what I have a degree for. 

I want to stay in Logan.  It's a wonderful place to live.  David's parents are here.  I know this place.  I don't want to move. 

I'm feeling pretty helpless to fix anything bigger than scrapes.  I can patch things with bandaids, but the bigger wounds by which people bleed out are beyond me.  Never mind other peoples' problems, I cannot even solve my own except to wait. And hold on.  This week involves talking a cutter down from the ledge, teaching some cognitive behavior therapy, calling and visiting the elderly and the lonely, trying to ease the tension at work, trying to not screw up peoples' lives by staying out of it. 

The weather's been dreary and wet, just like my sinuses.  I just want to sleep forever.  To finally be well and rested and then have the quiet and space and time to clean and organize everything physically and mentally.  I am forever stumbling haphazardly, trying to miss the biggest potholes and at least show up on time.  Perhaps unprepared, but willing.  Except for where I've had enough.  I told them I won't run Paychex again.  Except I probably will.  And aaaaaaaaagh. 

I'm getting older. And I'm turning into those things I hate.  And I feel like a lazy whiner who should just shut up and work harder.  I've seen people work themselves into ruin, and I don't want to go there, either.  I don't know!  I don't know anything!  I will never get everything right!  And it bugs the crap out of me!  Exclamation points!  Grr!

I should be sleeping. I should be cleaning. I should be running errands and ordering Christmas presents before it's too late and making myself pretty for the Christmas party tonight.  Today's bright spot involves a date with mine spousal unit in the middle of work.  It's like a field trip! 

Things that make me happy: my David.  Hugs from my kids.  Christmas lights and buying presents for people.  Being able to help people, even if it's only a little bit  A clean house (not that mine is right now, but it's not absolutely terrible, either).  Readily available food.  Warmth.  Hot showers.  Antlers on Darth Vader.  Music.  Oh crap, I still have library books.  And I was gonna do Helen's tree.  And I was contemplating doing Donna's party today, but it can wait until tomorrow.  Except I'll be tired tomorrow, too.  And still sick.  But I have cold medicine!  Yay for cold medicine!  

We're standing too close.
Every time one of us moves,
we brush,
jostle,
and bruise each other.

I don't want to hurt you.
I don't want to hurt anymore.

I try to keep my distance,
but I can't let you go.
You're all I have.
The pull is too strong.
You are Home,
safety, peace, understanding, family.
Even if it's a lie.

You can't have me.
You don't really want me.
You just want a Home.

So we circle,
stumbling,
bruising.
I'm sorry,
I'm still learning to dance.