Thursday, December 6, 2012

brain dump

Hm.  What've we got? 

Need better diet / more sleep / regular exercise.  My brain says I cannot do those things while at my current job on my current schedule.  It's a lame excuse and probably not true.  And yet. 

I really, really, really want David to get a permanent job so life can move forward.  So we can stop waiting, hanging in limbo for housing, jobs, schools, life, etc.  We'd make more money. David would stop having that anxiety over his head (it would be replaced with the anxiety of actually doing and keeping his job). 

I want a different job.  Specifically I want away from the gossipy infighting and certain people.  And I should find a job in technical writing, since that's what I have a degree for. 

I want to stay in Logan.  It's a wonderful place to live.  David's parents are here.  I know this place.  I don't want to move. 

I'm feeling pretty helpless to fix anything bigger than scrapes.  I can patch things with bandaids, but the bigger wounds by which people bleed out are beyond me.  Never mind other peoples' problems, I cannot even solve my own except to wait. And hold on.  This week involves talking a cutter down from the ledge, teaching some cognitive behavior therapy, calling and visiting the elderly and the lonely, trying to ease the tension at work, trying to not screw up peoples' lives by staying out of it. 

The weather's been dreary and wet, just like my sinuses.  I just want to sleep forever.  To finally be well and rested and then have the quiet and space and time to clean and organize everything physically and mentally.  I am forever stumbling haphazardly, trying to miss the biggest potholes and at least show up on time.  Perhaps unprepared, but willing.  Except for where I've had enough.  I told them I won't run Paychex again.  Except I probably will.  And aaaaaaaaagh. 

I'm getting older. And I'm turning into those things I hate.  And I feel like a lazy whiner who should just shut up and work harder.  I've seen people work themselves into ruin, and I don't want to go there, either.  I don't know!  I don't know anything!  I will never get everything right!  And it bugs the crap out of me!  Exclamation points!  Grr!

I should be sleeping. I should be cleaning. I should be running errands and ordering Christmas presents before it's too late and making myself pretty for the Christmas party tonight.  Today's bright spot involves a date with mine spousal unit in the middle of work.  It's like a field trip! 

Things that make me happy: my David.  Hugs from my kids.  Christmas lights and buying presents for people.  Being able to help people, even if it's only a little bit  A clean house (not that mine is right now, but it's not absolutely terrible, either).  Readily available food.  Warmth.  Hot showers.  Antlers on Darth Vader.  Music.  Oh crap, I still have library books.  And I was gonna do Helen's tree.  And I was contemplating doing Donna's party today, but it can wait until tomorrow.  Except I'll be tired tomorrow, too.  And still sick.  But I have cold medicine!  Yay for cold medicine!  

1 comment:

HappyOrganist said...

pobrecita =(


I can relate to not being able to do all the things you would like. Good luck.. not sure what else to add.
We skipped one of our Christmas parties tonight (and loved every minute of it). =) I've given up on Christmas. I'm just gonna stick everything I've bought (and not wrapped) recently under the tree. Ta Da! The clothes I'm wearing, the blender I've used for the last two months, our new plates - they're all goin' under the tree - probably with food on them...