Monday, December 31, 2012

can't sleep, my brain will eat me

m'tired.  not sleeping tonight because mental static won't die down.  too much crap from people swimming in my head.  i took it easy today, trying to let it slide off.  i just want to be so very done with humans.  i also want to go visit matt and julie, but i can't.  it was matt's birthday yesterday, and now it's julie's new year's eve party, and i've missed both.  i have decided life is unfair. *slump*

things left unprocessed for too long: the shooting at the elementary school.  people shooting kids the same age as mine.  it came a day after death threats came to the school where my husband is teaching, by one of his students, to the room next door.  it could have been my kids. it could have been my husband.  nothing is safe, and nothing is certain, ever.  i carried my baby into school that day, passing people who hadn't heard about the shooting and not having the heart or the composure to tell them the news. 

work.  work is this constant spew of bile.  i can almost time it to where i can expect people to drop by, say something negative about someone else, and flit away again.  or i can watch my coworker have a total shut-down of all higher brain functions besides depression and paranoia, while everyone else is either oblivious or doesn't care.  other coworkers on suicide watch.  other coworkers daring life to call them on their bluff of i-don't-care-do-your-worst.  it's just an onslaught, day after day.  and i don't belong there, and i shouldn't be there anymore.  i'm waiting.  waiting for david to find a job and for life to start.  it's an idiotic mindset. 

church.  maybe i can just pick 'em out, but the trend seems to be women trying to be super-women, falling short, hating themselves and/or feeling guilty, and having slow but steady meltdowns.  church goes to a later time next week with the start of the new year, and i wonder if i'll attend since i'll be able to get more sleep.  and i wonder how much i'll be able to contain myself.  and how many people i'll offend.  and how hypocritical i'll be.  because there are only so many hours in the day, and shit happens (that's called "life"), and your illusions of perfection are bullshit.  and i keep waiting for my bishop to have a heart attack and die from stress.  seriously, i always want to feed the man a sandwich and then make him take a nap.

dear person who keeps telling me that four hours of sleep is all my body needs: go @#$#$ yourself.  no, really! 

ah, my brother got married.  i missed his wedding.  the only invitation i got was a few days before the event, via facebook.  and the date was set for Christmas.  so i either got to spend the day with my family and miss the wedding, or go to the wedding and ignore my family.  screwed either way! go me!  i was too exhausted to do anything by that point since we hosted my in-laws at my house for Christmas eve.  and grandma called and ordered me to send pictures.  i didn't tell her my camera's dead.  oh well.  jen, send grandma enough pictures for both of us, would you?  my camera's dead.

what else is rattling in my head and not letting me sleep?  stress. i need to visit people and finish Christmas cards. i need to spend playtime with my kids.  i need to prepare for January at work, which will involve mandatory overtime, trying not to get myself fired as i try not to strangle my boss who, even after i've resigned from my special project to avoid her, will not let the damn thing die.  and everybody keeps getting sick.  and i need a new best friend, with whom everything isn't so screwy.  turns out my old best friend is an alcoholic!  i didn't realize it for a decade!  because i'm a moron! 

i must remind myself, yet again, that there are good things in life and reasons to keep living.  i am very fond of my husband and children.  i finally have the house i dreamed of, with a big open space for dancing goofily to music, my artwork is up, my bookshelves are up, my own computer.  i have all my needs met: shelter, warmth, food, warm water.  i have a ton of wants met: books, video games, music.  nobody that i've tried helping is dead and/or dying at the moment.  i've done some good in the world.  i am technically in good standing with everybody i can think of, even if i'm late with Christmas stuff. 

tomorrow begins the new year.  new beginnings.  so many goals i want to reach this year.  my hope is low, but maybe things will get better.  i want to lose weight, become more financially stable, get our jobs in place where i want them, teach my kids a million things, learn a million things for myself, make some things. 

there. brain officially dumped.  now maybe i can sleep. wish me luck!

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