Saturday, January 10, 2009

Trying to Find...Something.

This life bothers me.

Being the best at basics is one of my goals. It involves spending so much time and energy maintaining a better status quo - to be healthy instead of just getting by. I spend hours cleaning and cooking and running errands and changing diapers, and then I'm tired for the day and spend the evenings dicking around on Facebook. It chafes. I feel like I'm wasting my life. This goal is good and necessary but it conflicts with my other goal: to create something, to accomplish something good...

I want to write. No, blogs don't count for this goal. Years ago I had this dream that I could write something that would be encouraging to young adults who are stuck in a lousy situation to give them the strength to keep fighting and hoping for a better life. They will not find this blog that is geared towards adults anyway, but they might find a book in a bookstore with my name in the author's line.

I want to get a(nother) college degree to have tangible proof that I've used my time productively. I can see you nodding your head with sympathy and also thinking that it's just a need for recognition or whatever that I should just get over or find recognition elsewhere.

What I NEED TO BE DOING and what should be my biggest accomplishment is my children. I have been blessed with having a part in the creation of two little people who need love and guidance and lots and lots of teaching if they're going to survive this world intact. And what am I doing? Cleaning my house, running errands, but mostly dicking around on the internet. Anything but doing the things with my children that they need that bore me to tears... play toytrains. Read the same books over and over. And over. And it's too cold to go outside. *hangs head* This sucks.

The lazy part of me says they're fine, they actually get more attention and mommy-time than a lot of other kids in this country. The meaner part of my brain, the one I think I should listen to more because it drives survival, is stabbing the lazy part of my brain with an ice pick. A very pointy, cold, metal ice pick. Because the lazy part of my brain is the creation of American culture, and it says I should play all day and eat junk food and make fun of people and it just needs to die.

So! What does the mean/intelligent part of my brain say? First, it's going to take a shotgun to the television and blow it into itty bitty pieces. Then it's going to TURN OFF the computer unless I need it for work or educational purposes. Then I'm going to find new, fun, educational things to do with my kids that do NOT include Dora or Thomas the Train. And when I'm tired after dinner I will not sit down and stop, I will keep going and finish my chores for the day instead of letting them pile up like they have. And that way I will have time to write and create things. I will grow up and shut out the distractions that are meaningless and make more time for good experiences with friends and family. I will remain focused on what's most important and leave the rest behind.

I am angry. I am frustrated and angry. But at least I'm not depressed. Ha!

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