Struggling

My stress level has gone up. My coping skills are fraying. My self-esteem is shot. I'm struggling to function.

During my brief period last week when I thought cancer might kill me (it's not going to kill me), I looked at my life and realized I only had two big regrets: I haven't given enough love, attention, and guidance to my children, and I need to get my scrapbooks/journals in order so they can have an idea of my life. I realize that life isn't guaranteed, so even though cancer won't be the end of me at this point in time, I still need to get my butt in gear.

Monday I will call the local family center to get ideas on parenting help that isn't in the form of books, advice, or parenting classes. I need a person to physically come in my home and help.

Today I'm spending at my in-laws with my family, trying to get as many snuggles in with my kids and spouse as possible.

Click the Link!

http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/02/02/carson.bio/index.html <- awesome news article about how you can overcome the odds and succeed.

Eye Cancer

Well, today I got my official diagnosis of eye cancer. I suspected since Monday when I went in for an eye exam and told the doctor that I had a brown spot in my eye that recently started growing bigger and darker. He sent me to a specialist today, who confirmed my suspicions but gave me a better prognosis than I expected: it's an iris melanoma that is treatable by surgery (instead of radiation and multiple surgeries) and is unlikely to spread to the rest of my body. If I take care of it, then it won't kill me, or blind me, or cause me to lose an eye. My eyesight in that eye is pretty shot, but it has been like that for years. My other eye has perfect vision.

So I guess now the goal is to manage stress and try to continue functioning normally. I still have laundry and dishes to do and children to take care of and a husband to soothe. We're still not recovered from January's overbooked work schedule. Anyway, so I think I'm going to go tidy the house now as much as I can before bed.

Hope everyone is well. My next appointment is on the 24th. Will keep you posted. Fret not; all will be well.

Every Day is a Fresh Start

Our January's been a long one. We did pretty well until the last week of the month, when our reservoirs of energy, patience, and willpower seemed to finally dry up. But now January is gone for another year, and we can try to put our lives back in order now that we don't have 20 extra hours at work piled on.

I'm behind on housework. My children are neglected. My husband is depressed. I can rant and rave about how it's not fair, not my fault, too much to do, but the only thing that will help the situation is to actually put effort into it instead of just talking about it.

My biggest problem, I think, is that I am failing to teach, love, and care for my children to the best of my ability. So I will try to focus more on that. I think putting effort into my children's upbringing will be the best investment of time and energy I can make.

Today is church (we're going late, but we're going) and then a family party before my husband goes to work. Tomorrow is my husband's first day off of work in a month, and I (of course) filled it with dental and vision appointments. Then the rest of the week we get to see how my husband's new work schedule will work out (he is switching from a 3-11 pm shift to a 4 pm - 2 am shift).

My husband gave me a list of things that are bothering him. I'll see what I can do about them.

My days go better if:
- I exercise in the morning to get endorphins pumping
- I eat a healthy breakfast and lunch to give me enough energy to do stuff
- I DO stuff instead of sitting around. Doing stuff gives me a sense of accomplishment.
- I enjoy time spent with my husband and children instead of waiting for them to go away and leave me alone.

A Better Option

In the car I listen to the radio. The songs of this alternative rock scene have a theme of egocentric emotional pain. It makes me sad. And then I get disgusted when I hear a song about what to do after the singer has died... I understand death is an inevitable and normal part of life. But it sounds like this guy's given up already and it bothers me.

There's a news article this week about a guy who killed his three kids, his wife, and then himself because he and his wife both got fired or laid off or something and he decided it was just time to stop living in this world. So many suicides lately by people who are giving up on life... I understand being so tired and hurt that you don't want to live anymore. I understand being so hopeless or disgusted with this world that you don't want to be a part of it anymore. But I also think that out of all the possible choices one can make, suicide is so far down the list that you can't even see it as an option.

If you're really that desperate or in that much pain, then choose a surrender of a different sort. Go find someone, anyone, and plant yourself in their path and say, "I need help, or I'm going to die." I guarantee you that you will get help and you can survive. Your life may be miserable but you will be ALIVE and therefore there is hope for a better tomorrow.

There's a quote I really like from the television show "Firefly". It goes something along these lines:

"If you can't run, walk. If you can't walk, crawl. If you can't crawl, find someone to carry you."

I may not have had that word perfect, but it's the same idea. Also, there's a song that I've had in my head for a couple months that goes, "And even when your hope is gone, move along just to make it through."

I Need A New Attitude

My attitude towards parenting sucks.

Let me explain. I feel like a bad parent. I can't really say I feel like one of the worst parents ever, because my children are alive, fed, unharmed, etc. But they lack training, attention, discipline... Their mom (that'd be me) can't seem to find a balance between wanting to control everything they do and getting frustrated when they don't live up to perfection that I give up and letting them do whatever they want as long as they're not destroying anything or harming themselves or others. And even then, my son (3) picks on my daughter (1) enough and gets away with it because I feel powerless to get him to stop.

I feel like nothing I've done with them works, so I just want to give up. I feel I've already failed and I feel I have no other options besides continuing to fail, because all the things I need to do to succeed take more energy/persistence/determination/patience than I feel I have. If I try to be determined today, I know I will fail tomorrow when I'm tired after doing so much today, and so I'll be inconsistent, and I'll be torturing my kids for nothing... All I can see is failure failure failure.

I've read half a dozen parenting books cover to cover. Logically I know the things I need to be doing. Establish rules and stick to them. Set logical consequences to discipline problems. Teach life skills. Praise a job well done instead of blanket "you're great" praise. Keep food in the kitchen. Put away toys you get out. Introduce my 3 year old to appropriate chores like folding towels or putting napkins on the table for dinner. No hitting, kicking, biting, yelling, or temper-tantrums or you go in the naughty chair for as many minutes as you are old. Keep a regular routine so kids have structure and know what to expect. I'm not STUPID, I'm just...stupid. *hangs head*

I get tired. It seems I'm always tired, no matter how much sleep I've had or how little I've done. And no, I'm not pregnant. I get resentful. I feel sometimes that my life has been invaded by little monsters who don't respect me or care about me enough to not drive me insane and who love to destroy everything and keep me from doing things I want to be doing. And I'm caged here as a slave to the little monsters, and I'll be judged by how well I take care of them. That's not a very good viewpoint if you're trying to inspire love instead of resentment. And then I get depressed because I love my kids and want the best for them and I'm failing them miserably.

So there's the problem. What's the solution? I've had enough experience working away from my kids to be grateful that I'm a stay-at-home mom. Maybe I can try a to-do list... Ha. That's not really working so well. I've read enough parenting books. They all say that I'm at least semi-normal in my feelings, and that I need to take care of myself before I take care of anyone else. So I had a babysitter take kids for an hour and a half today to try to reset my temper, which usually works. I was pretty happy when my kids were gone and I thought of all the things I wanted to do... and then when I went to pick them up my son threw a fit and my babysitter's having trouble with them because my kids always get their way after I've told them "No," so now they expect that "No" means "Pester Mom more until she gives in or completely blows her top."

I've lost my train of thought because my son's bugging me and I can't handle it and I've just thrown his coat across the room because he put it in my face. I can't get myself to behave. How can I get anyone else to behave? I just want everyone to GO AWAY.

Somebody please tell me how to stop being a moron. And if you hand me a book on parenting, I will point out the whole bookshelf I have of them already.

Progress Report

So far this week I'm lucky to get maybe half of the things on my daily to-do list done. Maybe there's too much on there? Maybe I need to spend less time on the computer still and more time being productive? The house has been mostly maintained, I've made zero progress on Institute class lessons or scrapbooking besides printing a few pages and stuffing them in my binder... the kids have been pretty well played with. Blah. I'm getting enough sleep. I drank 32 ounces of water one day and learned that if you suddenly drink enough water after being dehydrated, your body stores it and you instantly gain ten pounds. I hate drinking water. Today we're starting with a huge glass of cocoa and then maybe we'll move to water because yesterday I tried to stick to healthy foods and felt like I was starving the whole day and therefore got very little done.

The EVIL month of January is almost over. One week left, and then my husband will have a day off. Of course, on that day we have dentist appointments for the whole family and a vision appointment for me. I've got one eye that's totally changed color over the last year, which I figure can't be good. And my long-distance vision is dying. It's probably time to get glasses and actually wear them. Anyway, I hope to get a break soon. I need one. When one starts feeling homicidal towards anything and everything, it's time for a break.

Um, besides being stressed and cranky, I think I'm okay. Yay!