This would be me stifling screams of frustration. As usual, really. The frustration never ends.

Sickness. Medical doctors who smile and make polite awkward conversation as they do unpleasant things to you. Two last week. Looking like two this week. And my money trickles out, and none's coming in to replace it. Eye socket's infected somehow is today's new crisis.

Again it feels like there's no help or hope for anything. I know it's irrational. My parents helped pay off the rest of the medical bills from cancer last year.

I need to start taking my meds again. I need to do a lot of things. I dunno how or where to keep myself motivated without annoying the crap out of people, so I'm updating over here instead.

Prozac has stopped my meltdowns, generally. It provides a wall between the clawing, gnawing, sucking-you-down-into-the-depths depression that's plagued me my entire life.

So that's nice.

I'm not depressed anymore. I'm just...busy. And stressed.

Dealing with the financial aftermath of having cancer and shipping an entire family across the country to have multiple surgeries by a highly skilled, expensive team of surgeons. My parents helped a lot. My husband's parents helped a lot. Both continue to help. We're keeping our heads above water, but just barely. I started working full time. My husband works part time and will go to school again full time shortly. It doesn't leave a lot of time for each other or for anything besides earning money to pay bills and cleaning frantically to keep the house running.

I suspect our standards could be lowered. My friend is getting kicked out of his house because he can't pay rent and has filed for unemployment. Extended family members and friends trying to pay for houses they can no longer afford, or can't sell because they got laid off. At least we're employed. At least we're healthy. We're staying on top of the bills, generally.

Just TIRED. And dropping the ball on everything except survival. I miss my husband on the weekends, when he's gone working twelve hour shifts from before I get up for the day until bedtime when he comes home, eats, and then goes to bed.

January... In January, school starts again. David will be busy. I don't know how busy yet; that depends on his teachers and how much busy work they want to assign. I will be working every single day of January because that's tax printing time, and it's mandatory to keep your job. Eight hour shifts, seven days a week. I'll be working graveyard shift, so that's midnight to eight a.m. The idea is for David to go to class in the morning while I watch kids, then he'll come home and I'll sleep in the afternoon/evening and go to work at midnight. We'll see how it goes. I'm looking forward to working eight hour shifts instead of twelve hour shifts, but I'm not looking forward to school or seven day workweeks.

Have a job interview tomorrow at the same place I work. Interviewing for a promotion, basically. Taking on more responsibility, learning new things... I'm kindof terrified. But I figure that if they've hired some inept people as operators then an idiot who can read directions would be an improvement. And I'm an idiot who can read directions. Whee!

Never mind that I'm the one writing the directions.

Um...

Tired. Want nap, want David, want house to clean itself, want babysitter, want to play warcraft, then have a couple days to hammer out a training manual to take into the interview with me so they'll stop looking at me like I've grown a second head.

I realize this post isn't terribly coherent. Bite me.

Mmm. Sister coming up to go sledding tomorrow. Might want to go. Don't really have time or energy, but I have sleds! Might as well use them.

And if you tell me to have a beer, I will buy a case and throw it at your head. I swear I will.

Sigh. On that note, I need food. Toodles.

Things Bugging Me

I created drama this week by posting a nasty letter on my other blog. In the end, it did resolve some things for some people, but I think some people are no longer speaking to me. That's okay. I don't mind that at all. Well, I'll miss talking to Bruce. But maybe he'll talk to me again at some point. It was worth it to get Julie and Shelley talking to each other again. Must resist sending letter to my grandmother...

The bottom line, though, is that I wrote the thing in the first place because I got set off by a little thing. Because my stress levels are up, even though I'm not depressed. There's just a LOT to be stressed about right now. So I'm dumping it here, and trying to come up with one thing I can do about each stressor.

Things that are bugging me:

- My house is a mess. Solution: clean it. There's just so MUCH to clean. And things like my desk feel impossible to clean. But I know it's not. I just have to do a little bit at a time.

- My in-laws house is a mess, and I'm their housekeeper. Solution: that's not really your problem. It's their house. You're cleaning it as a hobby / way to help out. The end.

- Our finances are a wreck. I got a phone call this week saying that a bill I didn't know about was in collections. It's a medical bill from my cancer that's almost $4000. I have no money left. My relatives have no money left. My credit score is probably plummeting. And I don't know what to do about it. I'm looking for jobs and sending out job applications. I did set up a payment plan with the people who called. I just really hate being in debt. And I really really really hate being in debt for something I couldn't control. It feels like I'm being punished for something that's not my fault. And even if I did get a job, I don't know if it'll pay for everything, and if I'm abandoning my kids, or how scheduling will work out with David in school and me at work and the kids need attention... Something HAS to be done before next semester starts, and I still have no idea what.

- My husband is super busy. I rarely get to see him. He's either at work, at school, or doing homework. And he's really stressed, and I don't know if he's going to get his fourth class finished by the end of the semester. Since he's so busy, I've taken on ALL of the housework and errands and other chores. And he doesn't have time to give me breaks from my kids (ideally I want about 4 hours of kid-free time a week, just so I can de-stress and reboot my brain). So I'm fried. And lonely. And David's fried and lonely and stressed.

- People. There was a lot of "I'm mad at so-and-so and won't tell them" going on, and other people whining, and I found out my friend's mom died and I didn't know because I stopped reading her blog because she never, not once, posted a happy post. And I think I just blew up. And not one of the people who should have read my LJ post and applied it to themselves thought it was for them. Everybody ELSE came and asked if it was about them. I guess the people who most need introspection weren't about to start now, right?

- My dad is drinking himself to death. My grandparents are dying. It's going to be another round of holidays this year where you feel a strong obligation to attend because THIS will be the last year such-and-such family member is alive. (The last three or four went the same way.) And so far everybody's still alive, but it's just dread, and waiting for people to drop dead and get that horrible phone call, and am I doing enough to help people while they're still alive to be comforted? Part of me wants to comfort them. Part of me wants to bash their head in for KILLING THEMSELVES SLOWLY WITH POOR DECISIONS. If your liver isn't working anymore, stop drinking alcohol or you're poisoning yourself. If you're diabetic, eat properly. Stupidheads. Also, stop being jerks.

- I feel like a jerk right now.

- Winter is coming. I am really really really dreading the long, cold, dark months stuck inside. I don't know what to do with my kids. I feel like an inadequate parent. I know there are lots of places to go and lots of things to do. I just have to get myself to do them. I'd rather be at my computer ignoring the world. On the other hand, I'd like to look back on these years and say that I gave my kids my all, and taught them what they need to know to be successful in life. To know that they are loved.

- There is SO MUCH to do. Cleaning my house, cleaning my in-laws' house, paying attention to my kids, earning money, doing websites, reading, watching television, doing service for other people, doing holiday stuff, church stuff.... *head asplode*

- Did we mention that finances are really bugging me? I did. Did I mention that our car is losing its heater and air conditioning capabilities, just in time for winter? Did we mention that I have no idea what to get for people for Christmas that doesn't cost a lot of money? Did we mention that there's dentist appointments overdue and next spring's doctor appointments for all my post-cancer checkups? Did I mention how much debt we have? We have medical debt, and student loans, and we borrowed $4000 from David's parents to pay for medical debt and tuition, too. And AAAAARGH.

- Oh yes. And I feel fat. And if we don't get our weight under control, my husband is going to develop diabetes like his dad. So I've had a hard time getting myself to eat this week. While food rots in my fridge. *headdesk* Add cleaning out fridge to my to-do list.

So my posting spree of doing a bit of cognitive therapy every day has ended.

We played outside as much as possible during the last few days of warmth. My parents came to visit. My mom is doing well. My dad seems to be drinking himself to death. At the very least, he looks terrible. And now I have a cold, as well as my kids. But my fridge and cupboard are stocked with Really Good Food, and I have projects to keep me busy.

I bought a copy of the cognitive therapy book for my mom and sent it home with her. She was so interested in my copy while she was here that it seemed like a good idea. She turned right to the anger chapter that I'm working on (it's another loooong chapter that I've started twice and seem to be stuck in). My mom has a lot of anger, now that I think about it. From what I got out of the chapter so far is that there's no point in being angry with my grandmother for saying really mean things to my mom.

Prozac continues to keep me stable, during a time when I know I'd be a wreck without it. My husband is depressed and stopped taking HIS prozac, which was a really bad idea. So he has an appointment with his doctor as soon as possible to get back on it. Things are kinda stressed over here, but it's not the MEGA STRESS ALL THE TIME of me-not-on-prozac. So we're coping.

Stressors: Our finances need help. David has too much to do between work and school, plus his depression. I have a lot on my plate, too. Then there's Everybody Elderly is Dying. David's grandparents. My grandparents. My old neighbor, of whom I am very fond, had a heart attack. It's just, we're at the point where any day somebody could drop dead and we've had to make arrangements for What If There's a Funeral Tomorrow kind of things. Blah. And I'm worried about my dad, and my siblings, and everybody. But mostly we're just kinda insanely busy.

Doing more cognitive therapy is on my to-do list for today. Wish me luck.

chapter six

Chapter Six - Verbal Judo: Learn to talk back when you're under the fire of criticism.

- The only person who can hurt you is you, no matter what other people say.
- If people criticize you, what they say may be right or wrong. If they're wrong, there's nothing for you to be upset about. If they're right, then that's an opportunity for you to improve.
- You can write down what people say and the thoughts that run through your mind in reaction to it. Decide if those statements are logical or not and give logical rebuttals where necessary.

Ways to deal with people who criticize you (who may or may not actually be jerks):
1) empathy - ask the person a series of specific questions designed to find out exactly what he or she means while trying to avoid being judgmental or defensive when asking questions.
2) disarm - find some way to agree with your critic while avoiding sarcasm and defensiveness, and always tell the truth.
3) feedback and negotiation - present your point/view diplomatically.

If you've got a heckler, for example a student in a class you're teaching, you can:

1) immediately thank the person for his/her comments .
2) acknowledge that the points brought up are indeed important
3) emphasize that there is a need for more knowledge about the points raised, and encourage the critic to pursue meaningful research and investigation into the topic.
4) invite the heckler to share his or her views with me further after the close of the session/class.

In conclusion, you can take criticism three ways:
1) think you're no good.
2) think your critic is no good.
3) take the criticism as an opportunity to learn something.

So here's to hoping we all choose number three.

the end of chapter five

Okay, so Chapter Five has bogged me down. Trying to describe every little step of things gets tedious, and knowing that there's more to come before the end of the chapter makes me not want to post. So I'm finishing the whole chapter today.

In summary, do-nothingism is caused by different types of irrational thoughts. Just like depression, you fight those irrational thoughts with rational ones. Types of ways to help yourself:

- Make a daily activity schedule
- Make an anti-procrastination sheet
- Make a daily record of dysfunctional thoughts (and their rational replies)
- Make a pleasure predicting sheet (write down how much satisfaction you predict and actually get out of an activity)
- Make a but-rebuttal chart (knocks down all your excuses with rational responses)
- Learn to endorse yourself (with yet another exercise of writing down your "I suck" thoughts and replacing them with "I rock" thoughts.)
- Tic-toc technique (task-interfering cognitions versus task-oriented cognitions, which I don't really feel like explaining, so I won't.)
- Break down tasks into small components or time segments
- Change "should" statements into "want" statements, based on what action would be to your best advantage.
- Tell nags to shove it and then make decisions based on what you want to do as opposed to what people are telling you to do.
- Visualize success by 1) listing all the positive consequences of doing something you're trying to accomplish 2) learn to meditate/relax 3) while relaxed/meditating, go over the things you listed in the first step.
- Count the number of things you do without being prodded or encouraged by anyone.
- Test your "I can't do [fill in blank]" statements by trying to do what you just said you couldn't do.
- Write down the negative consequences you might have to deal with if you fail at something, then show how you can cope with those consequences.

Most importantly the author points out that action comes before motivation. If you don't feel like doing anything, and do something anyway, then your motivation will come. :)

chapter five, part two

Continuing Chapter Five: Do-Nothingism: How to Beat It

Here are the first two suggested methods for beating do-nothingism:

1) Write a Daily Activity Schedule.

In the morning, write out a schedule for your day. Your first column write the time by hours. In the second column, write down your prospective activities (what you want or plan to do). In the third column, write down your retrospective activities (what you actually did during that hour). In the fourth column, mark whether the activity you did was M for mastery (a chore or something you don't want to do) or P for pleasure (something you do for fun) and then rate the activity between 0 and 5 on how much pleasure you gained or how difficult the task was to accomplish. Keep it up for a week.

2) Make an Antiprocrastination Sheet.

This is for getting through one task you don't want to do. An example I'll use for this is cleaning my desk, which is something I hate doing because it seems to be really hard, at least in my mind. First, write down the date. Then, in the first column of your chart, write down the small Activities you need to do to accomplish the big task (in my case, clean the top shelf of the desk, the bottom shelf of the desk, the filing cabinet top, and then wipe everything down.) In the second column, write down your Predicted Difficulty between 0 and 100%. In the third column, write down your Predicted Satisfaction between 0 and 100%. Then do your task. In the fourth column write down the Actual Difficulty of doing the task between 0 and 100%. In the fifth column write down the Actual Satisfaction of doing the task between 0 and 100%. See if there's a difference between what you predicted and what actually happened for your difficulty and satisfaction levels.

More tomorrow.